As many of you may already know, I am not a good singer, and I am tone deaf. Today I will put myself through a series of tests to my sanity by listening to various bands/singers that have been suggested to me, and evaluating them based on a couple of songs. Hopefully I will gain a new admiration for the music industry and with it, some new favourite tunes.
First up, this delightful looking young lady. I’ve heard that she’s a cross between Susan Boyle and the Beatles, so I’m very optimistic going into the listening phase. The two songs I have picked to listen to are ‘Bang Bang’ and ‘Chi Ching’, both of which sound promisingly like they should be in the soundtrack to Gone with the Wind.
Well, what starts off badly somehow deteriorates. I don’t know how to describe this song using the English language, but it is so offensive to my ears that I now want to erase the last three minutes of my life.
Selected lyric: “Oi oi oi paloi, bags of noise, wake up, shake it up like milkshake, making money, feeling great.”
What I think the artist is trying to convey: “I’ve just got out of a young offenders institution, I’m happy about being on the dole, please keep paying taxes so I don’t have to work.”
Selected lyric: “Chi Ching, Chi Ching, Chi Ching, No whenever go, No whenever go.”
What I think the artist is trying to convey: Not a fucking clue. If you’ve got any idea, please feel free to speculate.
Overall: This may be the worst sound I’ve ever heard in my life. I really hate it and want to kill it, preferably with fire. 0/10 fish. Off to a bad start, but on the plus side, I doubt it can get any worse from here on…
I’m quite aware of this guy, he’s the one who did the England World Cup song in 2010, right!? Surely he can’t be all bad! The songs I’ll be listening to by him are ‘Sirens’ and ‘Bassline Junkie’.
Selected lyric: “Blud, when you hear them sirens coming, I can hear them sirens coming, Better run when you hear them sirens coming, I can hear them sirens coming.”
What I think the artist is trying to convey: “My liege, there appear to be police officers in pursuit, you best evade them to the pinnacle of your ability, as you appear to have stolen that car stereo.”
Selected lyric: “I don’t need no speed, no, I don’t need no heroin, no thanks, I don’t want no coke, you can keep your ketamin.”
What I think the artist is trying to convey: “I don’t need any horse tranquilizers this week, my horse is in optimum condition for Aintree.”
Overall: 2/10 fish. He gets two because his videos are often mildly entertaining and he doesn’t offend me as much as Lady Sovereign did. Let’s try a different genre.
This young lady is known as Skrillex, and she apparently makes music called “Brostep” which is a branch of “Dubstep”. I have no idea, I’m very confident about this one as I’ve heard that she remixes a lot of good songs. I’ve chosen ‘Bun Dem’ (feat. Damian “Jr Gong” Marley) and ‘First of the Year (Equinox)’. What the fuck is an Equinox?
I’ll be honest. I have a lot of time for Damian Marley Jr, his solo stuff is generally average and he’s the son of a great. This, however, while being scarily catchy, is dogshit. I can only pray that the other song is better.
Selected lyric: “We mash up the place, turn up the bass, and make them all have fun, ah we-a blaze the fire, make it bun dem.”
What I think the artist is trying to convey: “Rioting and looting is fun. Let’s burn shit.”
Nope, it wasn’t any better. Sounds like a broken Nintendo cartridge with some excessive random screaming thrown in.
Selected lyric: “Aeg eh euf, gyaaaa uh ah uh, gye gye gye gyeeeeuw.”
What I think the artist is trying to convey: “I have developed an impediment that forbids me from using the English language as my mother tongue. Instead, here’s the sound of a microwave malfunctioning.”
Overall: 1/10 fish. I am having serious doubts about whether I’ll finish this post without developing brain damage. I can feel my IQ draining away with each passing second. Let’s not look at any more dubstep. Instead, I’ll opt for something really popular that all the kids love.
The Black Eyed Peas.
Ah, now we’re talking. Surely this can’t be as bad. They’ve been going for quite a while now, I think they performed at the Superbowl or something equally irrelevant to us Brits. The two masterpieces I have chosen at random will be ‘My Humps’ and ‘The Time’, as I have heard that it’s an excellent cover of an already great song.
The 152,000+ people who liked this song are misguided.
Selected lyric: “I drive these brothers crazy, I do it on the daily, They treat me really nicely, They buy me all these ices.”
What I think the artist is trying to convey: “I know exactly how to wind up my brothers, then they buy me ice cream to stop me from doing it, but I don’t stop doing it because I am a mean person.”
This has butchered the original, and unfortunately stripped me of the will to live.
Selected lyric: “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the baddest of them all? Yeah, it’s gotta be the apple, I’m the Mac daddy y’all, Haters better step back, ladies, download your app, I’m the party application, rock it just like that”
What I think the artist is trying to convey: “I’m inspired by fairytales and pimps and have delusions of grandeur. I’ll ignore anyone who doesn’t like me. Any females should download an app to get Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes on their phone on demand. Get to the Choppa!”
Overall: 4/10 fish. I can see why they’d be popular among paraletically drunk people, like I wish I was right now. After Skrillex, they look like lyrical geniuses too. One more before I lose the will to live, and I’m stepping in myself so I can annex the memories of the recent past. The following artist is the greatest known to man, reshaped the music industry as a whole and could easily beat a bear in a knife fight (see what I did there? Bears don’t have the aposable thumbs required to carry a concealed weapon around with them).
Krispy Kreme/Froggy Fresh.
Hell yeah, now we’re talking! How this guy hasn’t gone platinum yet is beyond me. I’m going to choose his two greatest hits – ‘The Baddest’ and ‘Best Friends’.
Raw emotion spills out in this song, as Krispy spits rhymes faster and harder than a Cheetah-Buffalo hybrid which is driving a Ferrari-Tank. Once again, he proves why he’s the best artist on the planet.
Selected lyric: “I had to fight my whole life, I could beat you up even if you had one thousand knives, Even if you had infinity knives, I would punch you up into the air like a kite, I bet you sleep with a nightlight, Cause you’re scared of the dark, Cause you stink like a fart.”
What I think the artist is trying to convey: “I’m not afraid of anyone, I’m bigger, and badder than any of you, and wouldn’t even specialist weapons training to disarm you and send you into the sky with one punch. Oh, and you smell.”
This is a more downbeat song, which really shows KK/FF’s versatility. It’s a single about loss and love for your fellow man. Krispy’s love for Money Maker Mike is unparalleled. If you don’t cry by the end of the first minute of this song, you aren’t human, and obviously haven’t had such a strong relationship in your life.
Selected lyric: “This song’s for all you best friends out there, ‘kay? You make sure you always got each other’s backs, you understand? Cause if you don’t have each other’s backs, ain’t nobody gonna have your back. Rest in peace, Tupac Shakur. Everybody misses you.”
What I think the artist is trying to convey: “If you have a best friend, especially if they’re a well known gangsta rapper in the ghetto, you have to look after them, and they will look after you. If you don’t look out for each other, then you’ll get shot.”
Overall: 10/10 fish. Krispy Kreme goes from strength to strength every year. The rebranding of his name to Froggy Fresh disassociated himself with the doughnut chain and made him spread his wings further in his solo career. I envisage the future of this young man to be very bright, and it won’t be long before people say “Eminem who?”, as he leaves him in his wake.
Today’s fun fact of the day: An equinox occurs twice a year. It is when the earth’s axis is neither tilted towards or away from the sun. Therefore, I have no idea why Skrillex has put that in his broken NES cartridge sound.
Today’s AAOTD: Vagabond Vole.
The Walrus has spoken.