Let me begin by reassuring my regular readers (Hi Mum! Hi Dad!) that I am still alive and haven’t yet met the Spirit in the Sky, whoever or whatever that is – No deity individually selected to reflect the multiculturalism of my readers.
With my return, I bring news of excellent artists that I’ve discovered in the past however long I haven’t done one of these for – since the 8th of February. Wow. Longer than I thought. Without further ado, let’s do this!
I think this is an abridged version of his birth name – High Resolution. He does this thing with his mouth a lot that makes his lips disappear in all his videos. I’m not sure why.
I like the tune, although I’m sure the sample is stolen from somewhere. It sounds really familiar but I can’t put my finger on it. Answers on a postcard. The real problems arise when he starts rapping, although I do like the message that it’s giving, unless he’s talking about drug addiction that makes him smile.
Selected lyric: “Got a taste of the good life I am here to stay, and I’m used to questions so everybody ask away, hey it’s time to get high homie so pass the jay.”
What I think the artist is trying to convey: Maybe they’re thinking about going on a hot-air balloon ride with a blue jay?
Shit, he’s all about drug use isn’t he? Also, this one doesn’t have good music, catchy lyrics or anything.
Selected lyric: “Not only cannibal action, but baby forget my past chicks, I burn my stress you can see it in the ashes”
What I think the artist is trying to convey: ?????????
Overall: Whatthehell?/10 fish. I don’t understand.
This young gentleman has been rapping since he was 14, according to his Wikipedia. Let’s see if practice makes perfect.
No, no it doesn’t. The cuckoo alarm clock was annoying, I turned it off after that. I guess it just endorses Nike and blah blah blah sweatshop labour blah blah blah.
Selected lyric: “And the Nikes on my feet keep my cipher complete, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nikes, and the Nikes on my feet keep my cipher complete, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nikes, Nike, Nike, Nikes, Nike, Nike, Nikes, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nikes, Nikes on my feet keep my cipher complete, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nike, Nikes.”
What I think the artist is trying to convey: I only buy trainers made by Slazenger.
Selected lyric: “Had some baggy gear, now my clothes tailored, Had a fitted cap, now I rock a snapback,
Uh, I used to rock a double XL, Now the ladies all say I dress well.”
What I think the artist is trying to convey: The concept of existentialism is one that I have been studying over many moons. I feel that the essence or nature of a thing is more fundamental and immutable than its existence.
Overall: A modern day philosopher that will guide us all to a brighter future. 1141408/10.
Shaquille O’Neal had a very successful basketball career, playing well over 1,000 professional games and scoring an average 23.7 points per game, which I believe is very good. If anyone is suited to a rap career, it’s him.
I love it! It may well be the best thing I’ve ever heard. More autotune than an entire Britney Spears album and Shaq riding around with a green screen behind him in the video. This is a feast for the eyes and ears.
Selected lyric: “I love the Westside, it’s time to party, Whenever Superman is in the house, I love the Eastside, it’s time to party, Whenever Superman is in the house!”
What I think the artist is trying to convey: No other rapper can ever claim to have united the East and West sides (maybe). Shaq’s glistening career allowed this to happen. If we send him to Korea I’m sure he could make the North and South live together in harmony, and have a great party with cake and pass the parcel.
Selected lyric: “I lean on the Statue of Liberty when I get tired, Then I’ll punch you in the stomach, I don’t give a heck.”
What I think the artist is trying to convey: “I am not someone you want to heck with.”
Overall: Amazing. Just inspirational. 2168568165816805682105802160856183646185601658062180568061806580316587130856803165803168056318056801365974t75492751-9735616580316580608513513531525434643643326262/10.
At the age of just 41, he has accomplished more than 107% of people achieve in their lifetimes. He’s well known for making the best videogame of all time (Shaq-Fu), his rap career (as I just mentioned) and even an acting career that has led to him appearing in some of the most loved films of all time – including the prestigious Scary Movie 4 and Kazaam, which has a 4% approval rating on rottentomatoes.
Oh yeah, and his basketball career. Somehow his height (2.16m!) not only never fazed him, but actually improved his career.
Only one man has come close in the same time period, who also happens to be my favourite person on this planet.
The 2.18m Congolese giant DIKEMBE MUTOMBO.
I bid you all farewell, and will write again soon. I promise.
The Walrus has spoken.